There have been other times when this malaise has found me. Once it was before I changed teaching positions and moved out of the classroom for three years. Another time it ended with the decision to write more, culminating in the publication of my first book. Once it lasted for months, and I finally realized I was angry with God for allowing such devastation to occur in Indonesia, India, and Thailand during the Tsunami, and for sending my parents back to the mission field so soon after our second child was born.
So as I sit here, thinking through these things, wondering why or if I should share my thoughts with the internet, I am still at a loss. I have so much to be thankful for. I AM thankful for so many things. So is this apathy my deficiency or is God using this feeling to prepare me for some change? I honestly don't know. I do know that I believe His plan is better than any I could envision. I know that He has been with me all my life, and even when I have held him at arm's length, He ever still pursues me. Even when I don't feel it, I know Christ loves me. So perhaps that is answer enough for now? I just need to keep telling myself God is good. Christ is love. I am his and he is mine....and trust that all the rest will be made known in time.